(Artwork again by Neil Foster)
The two icons of all things Nintendo wandered on into Conker’s Bar. One was tall, clean-shaven, blond, rowdy, loud, and obnoxious. The other one was mostly silent though, letting his expressions talk for him. He was also kinda chubby, but in a more endearing sort of way and he had a cool mustache to boot. They headed for the bar and sat down, and ordered a couple of drinks. The blond one grinned to himself and looked over to the chick in the power armor beside him.
“Hey nice boots. Wanna frag?” He asked.
“No way in hell Link, no way in hell.” Samus said as she sipped her hard liquor.
“Aww come on, we’ll do it ‘First-Person Shooter-style’.” Link grinned, and winked and Mario, who just smiled and nodded.
“Heh. Or maybe ‘Parappa-style’ is more like it.” Samus retorted. Then she cracked a slow grin as she turned to face him. “Or haven’t you heard?”
“Heard what?” Link asked.
“What Shiggy replaced you with.” Samus replied.
“He replaced me?” Link blinked. “Replaced? Me?”
“Oh yeah, it was at Space World while you two idiots were off watching some stupid Kevin Smith film. You’re no longer the Link he’s going to using for the next Zelda game.” Samus explained as she took another sip. She was really enjoying this.
“WHAT?!?” Link exclaimed. Mario just blinked in surprise.
“You really haven’t heard have you? Don’t you check IGN, Gamespot, or some other Internet gaming news site?” Samus then asked, appearing to be shocked.
“What the fsck is the Internet?” Link then said. Mario nodded again, a look of cluelessness on his face.
“Oh good lord you are a Nintendo character, no Internet plans at all… Come on elf-boy, I’ll show you.” Samus finished as she headed over to some computers. She sat down as the two icons hunched over her. She almost coughed the stench of smoked shrooms almost overwhelmed her, but she didn’t, but typed out to IGN ( link towww.ign.com) and pulled up the story, and the accompanying movie. Link and Mario facefaulted. Samus hadn’t felt so redeemed in her life. “Here, let me pull up his reasons for you.” She pulled up the news post and read out what Shigeru Miyamoto had said:
“The video footage of Legend of Zelda we showed at the E3 show was almost identical to the one we first showed at Space World 2000. Actually, we were not lying to you about what we were doing. Well, as a matter of fact, at the time of E3 we were hiding the secret. But one year ago at Space World 2000, we were seriously working on the version of Legend of Zelda you saw at the event. We were repeating so many of Link’s experiences, and we were trying to decide on what new direction the new Zelda should take, and after that I began to wonder what the idealistic age of Link is. In a new Zelda, is a grown up Link something I really wanted to pursue?
“As you know, if one product receives rave reviews and becomes a hit, then the next year there are a number of similar games following the trend. A look at the movie industry, or animation made in Japan, they are following a similar trend and in the end only the very enthusiastic movie lovers can tell the difference. But the general public can never tell them apart. And that is what we are most afraid of. So more in detail, what we are now doing is putting emphasis on making our games better than the others and we are not ignoring the importance of making something different.
“In the game industry the people that are most sought after are the people with better technology than skill, rather than the people who love to challenge themselves to make something very fun and deliver breakthrough ideas. That kind of situation I really hate. So that’s why I told my staff members that they should have more freedom to create anything they like, and at the same time I’ve been telling other people my idea for Zelda. So we have completed many experiments and this is the result. And I think the video that I showed you today represents the course that we will take with the next Zelda for GameCube. I can tell you that development on the game is making very good progress right now.
“One thing I’m afraid of is that people who already saw Link in the very beautiful graphics may be looking forward to the much more sophisticated looking version of him [Space World 2000 footage] in the next Zelda. I do not want to betray them or shatter their expectations, so what we are doing now is making Zelda as unique as possible because uniqueness is something gamers are always looking for. So I can say that we are ready to make that Zelda.”
“What? Who does that fscking bastard think he fscking is? How fscking dare he trying to fsck with me and make he all kiddy and shiznit! I made that fscking Nintendo what it is today. Shiggy fscking owes me, yo! I’m Link, not some little fscking pussy wannabe jerk-off kid. It’s fscking supposed to be fscking mature, not Mr. Fscking Roger’s Hyrule Neighborhood! Come on Mario, we are gonna fscking go down to fscking Kyoto and fscking tell of that fscking mother fscking son of a fscking sprite that weren’t gonna fscking take this sort of fscking abuse!” Link screamed in outrage, with Mario adding the appropriate amount of equally outraged nods.
“Actually, Mario’s looked pretty good.” Samus then said, which made Mario grin, until Link frowned at him and Mario stopped.
“Look, we don’t care about fatso’s game here, he’s aren’t the important games, mine are.” Link firmly stated, which Mario frowned at. “Anyway, we can’t stick around here, we’ve got business to take care of. Right Mario?” Mario nodded in reply. “See ya later toots we gonna lay some fscking smack down on Miyamoto.
“See you later boys.” Samus said with a wide grin on her face as she watched to two idiots go. At least this will keep all the heat off of her game.