Link and Silent Mario stepped out of Toad’s Beetle and looked around Kyoto, then centered their gaze upon Nintendo’s Headquarters. Link squinted his eyes, while the plumber merely nodded with the strength of twenty men. Mario wondered perhaps that this was too easy… or maybe, it was just the author getting lazy. Regardless, they were here and they were going to kick some Shiggy hindquarters with pixelated justice. Filled with determination and the sense of righteousness about them, they stormed through the entranceway, doors sliding away. Link spun in place and tromped on over to the receptionist glaring with righteous fury.
“I want Shiggy!” he bellowed to the Princess Peach cosplayer reject, “I want Shiggy and I want him now!”
“Just a moment, please, Link-san.” She replied and typed something out on he keyboard, her eyes wishing to roll up so far into her cranium they would pop out and make their way towards precious freedom. Well at least he’s not hitting on her like that Zelda cosplayer reject that quit last week, she thought as she made an emergency appointment to get them out of her long peach-esque hair. “I apologize for the wait, you may go in now. Miyamoto-sensei will see you in just a moment.” Link just grinned and looked over to Mario, who just smiled back and the head to his office, passing by several other Nintendo characters in funny skits I’m too lazy to write about because this is getting too long anyway.
They eventually ended up sticking around in a waiting area and leaned up against a wall. Mario pulled out a rolled up magic leaf and lit that sucka up, and with a cute *pop!* noise he sprouted raccoon ears and a matching tail, which made him blink, pause, shrug, and resume smoking (though not necessarily in that order, but probably was). Link just slumped up against a wall and waited impatiently.
“Dammit what’s taking him fsking so long?” Link asked Mario, whom had started walking around and slowly had lifted up into the air and back down due to the raccoon tail. He just shrugged in reply. “I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t have anyone better see.”
“You mean anyone else not you?” An unknown, yet familiar voice called.
“Huh?” Link replied as he turned around. “Who said that?”
“I did, you idiot.” The voice called out a small figure stepped out the shadows that plot conveniently left around. He was small, perhaps only a few feet high, and looked like Link crossed with a Powerpuff Girl crossed with Parappa the Rapper crossed with a fifty cent neon gumball machine. It was the GameCube Link. The other Link cracked a grin.
“Well this is even better! Who needs Shiggy when I can fscking kick the living fscking rear out the this cel-shaded-fscking fscker right here and fscking now!?” The older Link said as he rolled up his sleeves.
“I’d like to fscking see you fscking try that you fscking washed up piece of fscking polygonal trash!” the chibi Link retorted and he leapt on a chair and grabbed his sword.
“Oh it’s fscking on now!” The uh, “mature” Link screamed as he drew the Master Sword out and swung at an already retreating chibi Link. The chibi Link then swung out at the older Link, but only sliced through a chair flung out at him. The chibi Link then grinned.
“Well at least you were good enough to last this long.” The chibi Link chuckled.
“What do you mean?” The older Link asked.
“Well Zelda did say you’re magic levels never really lasted that long…” chibi Link said with a grin.
“You asswipe! Zelda’s my ho!” Link replied with a yell.
“Yeah well, you what they say! Once you go chibi, you don’t go back!” the short one retorted laughing.
“YOU FSCKING BASTARD!” Link then screamed as he rushed the chibi in a fury of swift strokes of the Master Sword. The chibi just grinned as he nimbly dodged every blow with his shield, until the older Link then just charged and knocked the chibi into the wall.
“Okay that does it you fscking rubee-sucking turdslinger, now you have invoked my mighty fscking chibi wrath!” the smaller of the two Links bellowed and charged at Link, who actually wasn’t expecting the little to even stand up, let alone charge at him, smash into him and knock the Master Sword flying from his hand and be caught helpless by some little no-good cel-shaded upstart, but there he was. Helpless and at the chibi Link’s mercy. The older Link looked around and tried to look cool, but he was beat and he knew it. The smaller Hero of Hyrule grinned evilly as he moved in to finish what he started. Too bad as he swung his sword for the final strike it was stopped a somewhat large white gloved hand. The chibi Link blinked, as Mario just grinned and waved his finger in sort of an “Uh uh uh!” manner, then punched the chibi Link into the far wall, cracking it and perhaps a few bones as well.
Mario just grinned as he threw off his trenchcoat, revealing a his water-filled backpack, along with a Supa Sucka GC Advanced™. The shorter Link shook his head and mumbled, “Where do you get all those wonderful toys anyway?”
“Sunshine’s a real biz-nitch, ain’t it?” Mario replied and squeezed the trigger, blasting the chibi Link further into submission. He grinned and continued to blast, till something buzzed inside his coveralls, to which he responded with a blink, and as he reached down to check what it was, the chibi Link stood up. However, so did the taller Link, who had taken the time to hit up on some red potion, restoring his health to full and giving the Master Sword a sparkly shine. The taller Link then put the sparkles to good use, and began to fire energy blasts from the tip of the sword, tearing up the chibi Link, who eventually got his shield up and began to reflect the blasts and charged. The two began to start up an even more epic duel except for a chilling yell that made the both freeze mid-slash.
“WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU TWO DOING IN MY WAITING ROOM?!?!” the game designer bellowed as he stopped off toward the two Links.
“Sorry dad…” the Links said in unison complete with the exact shuffling of legs.
“Sorry? SORRY?” What were you two doing?” Miyamoto then asked.
“He started it!” The chibi Link said.
“No way! He did!” The older Link replied.
“Will you both just hush?” Shiggy asked as he looked the two over. They just lowered their heads down and looked only just really pathetic. “Good. Now,” the true legend of Nintendo looked over to the taller of the two Links, “what is going on here? Why in the world were you two fighting.”
“It isn’t fair! I go off to see a movie after filming a really kickin’ fight with Ganon for Spaceworld last year, and next thing I know I’m replaced with this little wannabe turd!”
“Bah, you are just jealous.” The chibi Link replied.
“Am not!” The taller Link retorted.
“SHUT UP YOU TWO! Good Lord! The Shadow Link wasn’t this much trouble and I made him to fight you!” Shiggy just shook his head. “Now, who made you both?”
“You did.” They both droned.
“And who made you games?” Shiggy then asked.
“You did.” They droned again.
“And who made your games some of the greatest ever known?” Shiggy questioned.
“And who gets to decide what goes in and what goes out?” he then inquired.
“So who should you trust in to make sure the new game is the very best?” He finally pointed out.
“Good! Glad we cleared this up. Besides,” he paused as he turned to go back to work, “I think Phillips still has a few Zelda games they can make… I can always lend one of you over…”
“Nononononono that’s okay dad!” The teenage Link answered.
“Yeah yeah we’ll be good!” The chibi Link replied in agreement.
“Yeah really good!” The older one also agreed.
“Honest!” The younger added.
“Allright then. You two behave.” Shiggy said with a small grin, glad this was over.
“Oh yeah, uh, dad?” The older Link asked.
“Yes?” Shiggy replied.
“Where’d Mario go?”
“Oh, I think he got buzzed by I think Peach and Zelda. Something about some three player simultaneous play?” Shiggy shrugged and headed off.
“Man! I can’t believe the nerve of that fatso!” Link frowned as Shiggy walked off.
“Yeah I know!” the chibi Link replied.
“I mean, Zelda’s my ho!” Link glared at the chibi him.
“Now way! She’s mine!” The chibi retorted.
“No mine!” replied the older Link.
(Basil is a humor anime columnist that frankly doesn’t care what anyone says, the new Gamecube Legend of Zelda is all that is good, but Mario rulez and Sonic droolz. Neil is one of Basil’s faithful art minions and fears that a certain Lira, who shall not be named, will smite himself and Basil for the Sonic/Tails gay jokes. Basil didn’t care. )